his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
NoShamevember. You game?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
