i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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