I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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