my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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