Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
