allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Your dad touched me again.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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