I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
