I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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