And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My pussy is not your playground.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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