when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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