sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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