butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
