Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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