Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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