Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
