and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
