i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
