Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
