My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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