Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
It's shark week go big or go home
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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