i barfeds in our rink
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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