I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
