So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
