One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
