he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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