So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
