Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
