Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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