turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
