Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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