I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
