I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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