I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
