Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
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