there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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