It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
