Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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