i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Couch. On fire.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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