So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
