Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
