my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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