you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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