Only a mothe r could love this liver
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
