Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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