Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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