Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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