His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
