my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just sent this text using only my big toe
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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