he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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