Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
