i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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